Rachel's Journal - Entry 4

My supervisor, Brian, is a very encouraging person.  He and Brooke do their best to make me feel needed and important and let me know how much they appreciate me.  As much as they do that, I still feel as though I am not doing much at times.  I feel as though I am not serving a purpose for them.  I mean, I am loving what I’m doing, and a lot of that is just hanging out with kids.  So, Brian and I were talking the other day and he told me how much he appreciated me or how much I was doing for them, to which I responded negatively.  I told him that I just really didn’t feel that way…and I that I almost felt sorry because I was failing him in some way.  He was appalled that I felt this way, and began to tell me just why I was needed and in what ways I was helpful.  I don’t know, I just still struggled to honestly feel that way about myself.  Well, come Wednesday night, I just really wasn’t feeling well.  I was getting sick, so I went up to the church because I just wanted to see my kids and be sure that they at least saw me there, and didn’t think I was skipping out on them.  But Brian could tell that I wasn’t feeling well, so he told me to go on home.  I hung around just for a bit, and in those few minutes, two people went out of their way to tell me how much they appreciated me.  One was a parent of a student who thanked me for the time I was putting into his kids, and then other was a fellow worker in the program who said that all of them appreciated my time and dedication to things.  It was so encouraging!  So, as much as I don’t feel important and feel as though I am almost pointless in this ministry, I know that God has me here for a reason.  That is such a comforting realization!  I truly believe that God sends us affirmation through other people sometimes, and I guess he could tell that I was just feeling down – both physically, and I guess down on myself, and so He sent two adults (and Brian of course) to just really lift me up out of that pit.  I know that God can use anyone…even someone as completely unqualified as I sometimes feel.  How awesome is HE?!  I know that this entry did not have quite as much to do with my actual ministry, but it is definitely me being real about somewhere God has been taking me because of my ministry.